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MS… new state of mind

My hospitalization last fall was because of a new lesion or plaque buildup on my spine which caused numbness starting in my toes and working its way up the back of my legs.  Fortunately the steroids reduced the size of that plaque so that the numbness is almost all gone.  Unfortunately I am left with quite a bit of pain and numbness in the bottom of my feet, especially when I stand or walk a lot in a day.  The crazy part to that sentence is I now consider a lot of walking to be 5000 steps in a day.

Just before I was put on those steroids I was up to an average of 10,000 steps a day.  I am finding this to be a very unsettling change to my life.  My dear friends, Amy and Millie, were in town weekend before last and on Friday the plan was to go downtown DC and do a tour of the Capitol and the Hirshhorn museum and who knows what else.  My fear was not being able to walk that far.  I was right to worry.  Near the end of the tour of the Capitol, which was first, I could walk no more, and that is after taking a cab from the metro to the Capitol avoiding that walking.  I just found a seat and told them to collect me on the way out.  A taxi ride later we were in the Hirshhorn and I requested the use of one of their wheelchairs.

A wheelchair.  I requested the use of a wheelchair for myself.  I have grown accustomed to working hard to get my parents into wheelchairs, but putting myself in one, well, that was tough.  A few weeks ago I realized that I was resigned.  Resigned to the fact that I will have constant pain in my feet forever.  Now I know it may not be forever, but it may be.  I may end up in a wheelchair sooner than I was thinking before.  With that I am now having a very hard time doing my job… teaching.

I am coming out of a resigned stated of mind, but not back to what was normal before.  Not sure what is next.  Not sure what my future will look like.  Not sure of much.  I did book a trip to Fairbanks for February next year to see the Norther Lights though!   I will keep going…